Parental Love- Look Over There!

 

    “Just wait till you have kids of your own, then you’ll understand!” I’d heard this phrase growing up not quite sure if it was a threat or a promise.  It seemed to be some moto for those of the parental persuasion as if they were privy to some level of understanding I had not yet experienced. They knew a passcode to parenthood. My mother repeatedly told me as soon as I was pregnant with my first child, “It isn’t about YOU anymore.”  She didn’t say that in a mean or derogatory way. She was telling me it was time to get ready to join the club! 

I've always been touched by the song, "Look Over There" written by Jerry Herman from the musical La Cage Aux Folles. I learned and loved the song in my mid twenties before marriage and kids, but it wasn't until I became a parent that I truly understood it. In the song, Georges is telling his son, Jean-Michel how much he is loved by Albin, his long time partner who adopted Jean-Michel as a child. Love is love and when you become a parent, membership in the club is compulsory. Georges sings this song trying to remind their son of the selfless love he has been shown, but has forgotten in his anger over Albin’s behavior.

How often is someone concerned with the tiniest thread of your life? 

Concerned with whatever you feel and whatever you touch? 

Look over there.

Look over there.

Somebody cares that much.”

As I recently had a visit with my own mother and father, I was flooded with thoughts of how much they have taught me about being good parent simply by showing me their care and concern. My dad and I have always been close. Sure, we had our rough patches like most teenage girls and their fathers do. In spite of those, I remember so many times when my dad would take time to just sit and chat with me. It was special time. We called them our "Father/Daughter Talks." My dad took time to connect with me. He was interested in what was going on in my life and asked about it. We continue to be close to this day because he continues to be involved in our lives and thanks to texting we ‘talk’ daily. He wants to know what everyone has been up to. He asks lots of questions because he has a genuine interest in our happiness or if there is a problem, so he can help. Sometimes he might call just because he wants to hear our voices. Are the texts and calls always convenient? No, not always. But, all I need to do is look at my husband who'd give anything for call from his dad.  We all would.  He unfortunately died over 20 years ago.  What a reminder that life is precious for us all.  How often is someone concerned with the tiniest thread of your life? Keeping in touch with us brings my father joy and having my father in our lives knowing we are loved like that brings us joy. It's a win/win! 

How often does somebody sense that you need them without being told?

When you have a hurt in your heart you're too proud to disclose?

Look over there.

Look over there.

Somebody always knows.

    My mother always seemed to know when I needed her. She could just look in my eyes or hear an inflection in my voice and she knew how I was feeling. If I was in any kind of pain, my mother always tried to make me feel better in the best way she knew how. Concerned with whatever you feel and whatever you touch. As an overweight teenage girl, I had plenty to grapple with. My mom would go out of her way to make meals that were healthy for me when I was trying to lose weight. She was there to pick me up when I was feeling low and was the loudest voice cheering me on from the sidelines. As most teens do, I remember feeling lonely at times and I could actually see how my pain caused her to hurt also. All she did came from a place of wanting to ease my pain and make my life better. Her intentions and consequent actions have always come from that place of loving me more than her own self and wanting me to be happy. Did she always say the right thing? No. Words may have been said that hurt my feelings along the way, but it was the thought behind her words or actions that made those that didn't resonate with me easier to let go. I know the intention is not malicious. So for me, forgiveness comes pretty easily.  Plus, my mom walks the talk and her many actions speak way louder than a few words. I believe that makes a huge difference. Continuous selfless actions of a loving parent come from that level of devotion that is the secret handshake of parenthood and how you can tell the posers from the professionals. And it makes all the other stuff fall away. 

When your world spins too fast

And your bubble has burst

Someone puts himself last

So that you can come first

At the end of the day, I am so grateful for all my parents did right, that I can let go of the wrongs.  That deep, abiding love was and is still the motivation for all they do, even if they sometimes miss the mark.  The intention is from that place of benevolent love. All families fight at times. Disagreements are part of life.  Focusing on the good times and knowing that the difficult times are a necessary part of learning and growing make it easy to see my parent's 'special sauce' kind of love for me, my older brother and now our families at the center of it all. It's a mixture of sweet and sour, but it’s real and it works. And honestly to continue with the mixed Big Mac metaphor, the sandwich just isn't as good without it!

In a world where people are disposable and easily replaced if they don't conform, knowing that no  matter what someone has your best interest in mind and will always be in your corner loving you unconditionally is honestly something that makes life bearable. Someday, my heart will break beyond repair and I will miss being the center of my parents' universe. In kind, I secretly weep over the day when my own children no longer require my daily involvement. But, as those who have children know, it's a love like no other. And I couldn't change it if I tried. 

My mom was right all along. When you become a parent, you learn about loving someone more than yourself and it's not about you anymore. Seems a shame to have to wait till   then. So much wasted time. My hope is like Georges was trying to help Jean-Michel to see how much he has been loved even if it all hasn’t been perfect, my children will realize the same even before they know the secret handshake.

So count all the loves who will love you from now till the end of your life.

And when you have added the loves who have loved you before

Look over there

Look over there

Somebody loves you more.

Technology- Are You a Host or a Hostage?

Technology- Are you a host or a hostage to it? Do a "technology check up" and find out.

Technology is all around us. It has enhanced our lives in many ways, made our jobs less tedious, made our chores less of a chore and brought modern conveniences to many people. No one can deny that technology has uplifted many and given voice to those who might otherwise not be heard.

But, I ask you to consider if you are a host or hostage to the technology in your life.  Is it something that has made your life better, yourself freer or has it created a relationship that has brought you into even more dependance? If you find yourself in the overly dependent camp,  you might want to check yourself before the proverbial wrecking of yourself ensues. I mean with everybody’s head down, looking at their phones, it’s bound to happen sooner or later, isn’t it?  

There was a little meme going around that said, “If the Breakfast Club kids were to meet in detention today, none of them would have looked up from their phones long enough to even make eye contact!”   Think about it. Picture it. All of them just texting away to people somewhere else. It’s funny, because it's totally true. What a shame and waste of a perfectly good Saturday that could have been! 

Technology should set us free. For example, we watch much less television in our house with the use of a dvr. For us, it means watching tv when we want to and some nights that is not at all. And we can do that now knowing the shows we do want to watch can be recorded and watched at our convenience. We feel much more in control of what we allow in our living room. Really that's what you are doing... inviting whatever you are watching into your living room. We are careful about that. And at our place, we also require all commercials to be fast forwarded, which is my favorite feature of the dvr and worth every penny we pay for it!  So, although we are talking about tv, this technological advance has been a wonderfully freeing gift for our family. 

However, can you see the flip side of that? The person who because they have access to so many choices and so many shows, they now watch even more tv than ever before! They are recording shows they might never even had known existed and feel there isn’t enough time each evening to get in all they would like to watch. They stay up late and fall asleep in front of the tv.  Only to repeat the cycle night after night.  This has gone to the point of enslaving themselves.

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key." ~ All Ready Gone by The Eagles.

I decided, in our house, we are doing a “technology check up.” We sat down and talked about how much time we devote to using technology. In our house it’s basically the computer, because I do not have a smart phone and our overall tv watching is minimal. 

But my kids and I each retreat to our own computers or tablets at times during the day. We each need our time alone and this is our way to unwind.  I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is me sitting on Facebook because for some reason it makes me forget that I have a million things on my to do list! I also have a problem with my kids always choosing the computer when they have free time.  There is a big playroom right behind the computer nook filled with toys that  feel neglected.  I know! They told me!  But, what do I expect after what I've been modeling for them? So, it’s a family affair and we're all in this together!

How about you and your family? Could you use a check up? How much time do you spend using technology and being wrapped up in “screen time?” Little screens or big ones. It doesn’t matter.  Most of us probably spend most of our day looking at a small screen, only to go home and trade it in for a bigger one (if we are lucky) but it’s still ‘screen time.’ My hubby is one of those who rarely wants to be on the computer at home because he spends so much time on one at work. This works to his benefit. 

Let’s all be good to ourselves and lift our heads up and take a break. Let’s look each other in the face and smile, instead of just liking each other's profile pictures. And please, not the dreaded texting each other from the other room!  Let’s spend time together in person instead of feeling that an online connection is enough. It's not.  

So, what is the right amount of technology to use? There is an old parable that says, “If you tighten the string too much it will snap and if you leave it too slack, it won't play.”  

We all need to find the sweet spot that makes music for our own families. For us, it is going to be times when we turn off all technology, even unplugging the router to give us a break. During this time, no ‘screen’ technology can be used. No tablets, computers, televisions at all. I will report back how it goes and what we learn. 

But, in return there will be Facebook time for me and Minecraft time for my kids! Cuz everybody needs some time to do what they want to do and just have some fun. But, balance will be the key. Along with control. When balance and control are lost, we become the hostage and no longer are we being a good host or hostess.  

How about doing your own “Technology Check Up” today? 

One Power

One Power

We are all familiar with the story of the blind men who encounter an elephant. Each of them has their own experience with the elephant. The conclusion being each blind man feels only a small part of the elephant, but makes huge assumptions about the whole elephant, missing what the elephant really is in its entirety.  People do that with God all the time. They have their own personal experience with God and then want to say that is all God is.  

With that in mind,  I am left wondering if there was still yet another blind man who never even got close to the elephant, but perhaps got lost looking for the elephant and wandered around and came across a large boulder instead, and mistook that for the elephant; then told everyone he could all about elephants and how hard and cold they are. And maybe another got caught up asking someone else to tell them all about elephants or yet another got stuck thinking the zookeeper was the elephant. 

Two great sayings are:

“The finger pointing at the moon is not the moon.”   

and

"The map is not the territory." 

We all think of God within our own individual experience, but let’s zoom out. Before we start breaking God down into the boxes we have created, what we are all talking about whether we call it God, Spirit, Lord or we don't call it anything maybe, because we feel all names are inadequate, but whatever name we call it, it is that one power.  You know, that power... energy... force... that animates everything.  We can see it.  We can feel it.  But it goes beyond our senses.  Even inanimate things are made of energy. We know that now. So, they are alive as well, are they not? Molecules moving... energy... creating mass at a certain level and with it the world we live in.  So, we are talking about the physical and the non-physical... basically everything. 

If we zoom out and continue zooming out until everything is contained in the picture (not sure if that’s possible, but you get my point right?)  If we zoom out far enough, everything is encompassed. And if everything came from what was before there was anything, then it’s ALL that... God.  Or whatever that is... that energy we have named God or Spirit or whatever we have chosen to call it. It’s all one power. One energetic force. We have just experienced it on different levels in different ways and have decided to call it by different names.  But that doesn't change what it is.

It is not wrong to have those different experiences. We all come from different cultures, it makes sense that God would be revealed to us in different ways, does it not? What seems very wrong to me is not allowing someone else to have a belief other than yours or to see the difference of experience as reason enough to hate someone or a group of people.  However, most religious dogma will tell you that only certain people are favored by God and God can only be what this religion has determined God to be, and they are SO sure of this fact that they will damn others who do not believe what they do.  

It seems to so obviously disturbing when we see that behavior in a radical religious group, but how about in our own lives? How much assuming do we make about God based on our own experience? And how do we judge others who have experiences different than our own? 

When we have zoomed out far enough and see our tiny, blue marble floating through space to judge just doesn’t even make sense anymore.  With our widened perspective one can not fathom such smallness any longer.  We see the myopic view we once had and how much more we all share and have in common.

What if the people of Earth decided to see our Oneness and not our differences? What if mutual respect and common ground was found in that oneness. Understanding flourished in the open air.

What might happen if instead of zooming out, you decide to go the other way and zoom WAY in?  You kept going past the persons clothes, skin, organs, all the way to the molecular level and beyond.  

Again all the differences dissolve and the sameness is evident as we are all made from the same basic elements and are animated with the same energy. 

In the end it is all there was and everything there is came from it.  So, zoom in or zoom out.  From the micro to the macro, it’s all one. One Power.  Whatever name you call it. It is what it is. 

I ask you to consider this as you listen to Daniel Nahmod sing as he puts it so beautifully in his song One Power. Shared with permission.

Much Love.

NO FAT CHICKS!

Can you believe it?? Fat chicks are on the loose and in your neighborhood!! Lock your doors and cover your windows! And whatever you do... DO NOT look directly at a fat chick, you will spontaneously combust!!!  

Sounds silly, right? However, the “No Fat Chicks” mindset is still acceptable in 21st century America. I mean, they even have t-shirts that say this!  When every other minority group seems to be out of bounds to poke fun at, fat people... wait..wait... let me amend that... fat WOMEN are still being made fun of in most movies, tv shows, songs and most definitely on social media. Men who are heavy are just big guys, but women who are overweight are the butt (excuse the pun) of jokes and nasty comments. 

We have come to a point in our evolution of consciousness that we understand that it is no longer acceptable to make fun of other races, religions, sexes, sexual preferences, abilities and disabilities, but somehow we’ve passed by heavy women when doling out understanding. 

We still feel it is ok to represent big girls in the media as if they should apologize for themselves. How could they leave the house looking like THAT?! We are told to hide our bodies in every way we can and god forbid, don’t think you look good, cuz if you do and emit any kind of positive self confidence despite your size, someone will sense that self confidence like a shark senses fear and will immediately go for the jugular and cut you down to size. A smaller size. Their size. 

I know I used to feel this vibe when I was a bigger girl weighing 150 lbs by the time I was in middle school, 180 in high school, about 200 in college and it just went up from there till I was 300 lbs. after I gave birth to my second daughter. Check out how I lost 125 lbs. here.  So, needless to say I had plenty of opportunities to feel that vibe. 

I was the Burger King drive thru girl for my first real job at 15, boys would come to the window quite often flirting with me as I took their money and handed them their food.  It was great for my self esteem!  Until they’d come inside, see me from the waist down and turn around and walk right back out. Not to mention the boys who considered me undateable because of my size in high school.  The first real boyfriend I had told me I’d have to lose weight if was going to marry me. Funny thing is his wife is heavier than I was and he has a daughter who is a big girl. Karma, it is a bitch! 

 I remember once I was in a clothing store in a mall with my boyfriend who would soon become my husband, looking around browsing when a tiny, size -3 sales girl  came up to me and said, “Ummm... we don’t have YOUR size here!” And then another time I was walking down the street and someone yelled, “Fatso!” out a window at me. Oh I could go on and on this is so much fun reminiscing! My point is, I have many stories to tell.  As does any person who has been heavy for any length of time. Why? Because fat-ism is alive and well in America.

We see being overweight as wearing your weakness on your sleeve for everyone to see. And because all of us have weaknesses our ego is very quick to judge and point out the weaknesses in others so we don’t really have to deal with our own shortcomings. Besides, we like to judge. We’re built to judge when we live from our ego, from that place of ‘us and them’...of separateness.

So, it’s easy to see the speck in your brother’s eye or the extra weight on your sister’s ass and not see the log in your own eye or your own weakness and shortcoming... or your own muffin top.  

And yes being overweight is a weakness. It is a sign that something is out of whack.  But not always. Because maybe that large person you are judging for eating that ice cream cone has been working hard to change their habits and is treating themselves for the first time in months. Or that girl who is wearing a skirt that might be a bit too small maybe is pumped up because she has been busting butt at the gym and she FEELS like she looks wonderful!  What business is it of yours? 

Some people are heavier and very fit! Skinny does not equal fit and healthy, just as overweight does not equal lazy and out of shape.  

Yoga Journal came under fire recently for featuring a story entitled “Loving Your Curves.” Yet, the whole article was filled with tips on how to HIDE your curves in yoga clothes! What?? With questions like, “How do I hide my butt dimples?”or "How do I deal with my thicker thighs in my yoga clothes?” the article was insulting.  How is that about loving your curves?? Not to mention that the article followed a photo spread with Alex Baldwin’s yoga teaching wife doing yoga poses in 4 inch heels! Nice! Talk about a mixed message!

Another mixed message is how the culture says it values health and fitness, but there is a McDs on every street corner. We are bombarded and enticed constantly by advertising.  Foods are being created that are designed to make people eat till they bust, but we judge people for doing so.  Want a healthy lunch? Be prepared to shell out $10 at least, but you can get a burger, fries and a drink for less than $5. It’s insanity really!

But, this is par for the course and brings me to my final point: Fat people are everywhere!  Most people have heavy people in their lives that they love. Maybe it’s their mama, or their favorite auntie or sister. But, the thing is most people love someone of size. We see them as the people they are... people like us with shortcomings, yes, but with value and gifts to give. So, why is that so hard to see those things when we look at strangers? 

I remember when I was teaching and a student told me I was fat.  I asked them if I would be a better teacher if I was skinnier or if I were bigger?   Would I be a better hugger or more loving? Would they love me more?  No, no, no. None of those things would change with my size.  They would still love me the same.  

People who carry extra pounds have feelings just like you do.  Sometimes people see those extra pounds and feel like that extra padding makes the person impervious to the ugly words or stares some people make in their haste to judge and make themselves feel superior and therefore better in their own imperfection.

Can’t we all agree it’s time to give big girls a break and stop the No Fat Chicks brigade? 

If we all wore our issues on the outside and weren’t able to hide them as many of us do, maybe we’d find more understanding for those who don’t have that luxury.  We need to see that it is our imperfections that bind us all together.  

When we look at others, how different would our hearts feel if we saw them as people just like us, trying the best they can, bringing the gifts they have, living their lives, seeking love like we all do.  

It’s simple really. Remember the Golden Rule we all learned as children? When we live from that place of treating other people the way we want to be treated, we can see ourselves in each other more easily. And then understanding can flow. Only good can come of that, for sure and truly things can be golden!

M is for My Mother!

    People say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Well, I wanted to tell you about the tree from which I fell: My mom. 

    My mom is turning 70 tomorrow and with that comes a chance to reflect back on some of the ways my mother has influenced me in becoming who I am. 

    Most people who meet me will tell you I have a big heart and am a very compassionate person. Well, that didn’t happen by accident.  My mother taught me the importance of being kind and helpful to others first hand when she brought a lady named Martha into our lives.

    My mother saw Martha one day walking home with her heavy bags in her aging hands and my mom pulled over and offered her a ride. So grateful for the kindness, Martha  invited my mother into her modest basement apartment for some tea and a friendship developed. 

    My mom helped Martha out in a number of ways bringing her food, giving her money, just being with her before she passed away years later, but she also helped me more than she might have known when she asked me to go spend time with Martha. I remember Martha always had something sweet for me to have with my tea as she told me stories and was just so happy to have someone to talk to that she never stopped talking from the moment I arrived till the time I had to go.  And every time I left, I remember going home feeling so happy that I had made her so happy. It brought me joy. Real joy.  

    Now I seek that kind of joy out in situations. I try to make someone’s day or say that special something someone needs to hear not because, I want them to say those things to me, but because it truly brings me joy to do so.  It makes me feel good.

    I found that being of service also made me feel good.  So, I looked for jobs where I could help people. From Little City Foundation working adults with developmental challenges to becoming a teacher and working with students who had math challenges, I have always found joy in giving of myself to others and I learned that from my mom.

     My mom to this day goes out of her way time and time again by putting the happiness of others before her own convenience. I can not tell you how many times my mom gave of herself never asking for anything in return. She has always been there for me.  My mom was my matron of honor at my wedding because she was my best friend for many years; sitting and crying with me when someone hurt my heart or standing and cheering when I performed on stage, she has always loved me from the bottom of her heart. She was my confidant and always knew what I needed sometimes before I did. She did that for me more times than I can even count. Making special meals for me or helping me pick out clothes as an overweight teenager because she knew deep down inside I wanted to look like all the other girls. Always thinking of me when she was out shopping and bringing me something special, which she probably got for a steal because in addition to all these wonder things my mom does, she sniffs out a bargain like nobody's business! I tell my father all the time how lucky he is to have married my mother, because she is a woman who is happy with very little.  She is not one to need new this or new that.  She knows where true happiness lies.

   She loved her family and put us all first always. She went back to work when I was in middle school and hasn’t stopped since. She has always made sure her kids were always well taken care of and would sooner not eat anything than to see her kids walk away from the table hungry, like any good Italian mother would.  It made her happy to see us happy. As a mom now myself, I know that feeling well and it’s a great feeling!

    So when I think of the best in me, I think of my mom. It’s her I have to thank for awakening and cultivating in me the desire to help, serve and make others happy. And I can see it alive and continuing in my own daughters! We are creating ripples of love that go out in all directions! What better legacy could a mother leave?!   Happy Birthday 70th Mom! I love you!!

I Just Keep Loving! (I,J,K and L)

I Just Keep Loving   by Miss Dina

People can be mean

but I just keep loving.

It ain’t easy being green

as I just keep loving.

The tide might not turn

unless I just keep loving,

Cuz there are lessons being learned

until I just keep loving.

I want to change the world

so I just keep loving.

Flags of peace will be unfurled

when I just keep loving.

It’s so beautiful to me

while I just keep loving,

Imagining how life could be

if I just keep loving.

Forgiveness, Feeling Good and Ho'oponopono

   In an earlier post about defiance,  I shared how my dad spanked me using a belt when I was younger. As I looked back at what I had written, I realized that I missed an integral part of the story.  

   Not that it happened all the time, but being spanked as I was, with a belt and for as long as I was, well into my late adolescence, I carried a lot of shame around. The message I got was one of unworthiness. It is very humiliating to be over powered that way.  That shame manifested in my eating getting out of control and my becoming bigger and bigger every year.  

   In the past few years I lost over 100 lbs., It only happened after dealing with a lot of my childhood pain. I discuss a lot of that here if you'd like to read about it. 

   The beautiful thing about revisiting old hurts is that you can so many times see them in a different light than when you were in the thick of it living it.  It’s all about perspective. Time can give you a much broader perspective. And so it went with my own past as I began to explore it.  

     I remember my mother being hurt by some things I wanted to discuss up. She asked me why I wanted to dredge up hurtful things from the past and talk about them.  I reassured her that I only wanted to talk about things so I could figure out why I am the way I am, so I might change some things I didn’t like about the person I'd become. I wanted to let go of my resentment, anger and shame. My insecurity reared its ugly head time after time in my marriage and in my other relationships and I wanted to have more self confidence. 

   After my second daughter was born, I was reading lots of self help books written by very wise people and learning ways to move forward and let go of the past. I wanted emotional freedom.  Having kids will do that to you.  You see their beautiful innocence. You see their unsullied selves. You see that joy is their natural state. It becomes apparent that almost any issues kids have are issues that we their parents and society as a whole give them. It becomes obvious what precious gems children are and what an immense responsibility parenting is.  

   And I so wanted to be an amazing parent. I dreamed of it my whole life!  I had waited 10 years to have my kids and I now had the two girls I wanted. I was in my late 30s, calmer, wiser, more stable emotionally. I had a wonderful marriage. I felt like a grown up!  I felt ready!

   But, I still harbored unresolved feelings of anger toward my father that would come up almost every time we’d spend any amount of extended time together. I could hold my stuff together for a little while, but give it a day or two and something would trigger it and I’d go off and end up a sobbing mess in tears feeling like I was 14 again unloved and so alone.

 And not only did it affect my relationship with my dad, the insecurity and anger would cause me to react from a place of fear every time something didn't go right in my world. I would get angry, cry, yell and complain a whole lot.  Even though I thought I was a happy person and there was a smile on my face, those hurt feelings were all just under the surface waiting to bubble up when the heat got turned on. 

  To make matters worse, through my learning and reading, I was understanding that all these unresolved feelings within me were not good for my health at all.  Dis-ease can contribute to disease. Emotional stress can cause a state of inflammation in your body in which diseases thrive.  This was a huge wake up call for me.  I had to get my stuff together!

I knew it was really important for me to deal with my issues. I could see I was emotionally stuck in a rut and I needed to pull myself out.  I was looking back figuring out why I acted the way I did, but now I needed some tools to use to move past the hurt into healing. 

One of the major themes along the way for letting the past go had to do with forgiveness. When we forgive someone, we release the negative energy we are putting into holding the grudge or resenting them for what they did, so we can focus our energy on what we want instead.  

   A helpful strategy was to imagine the person I needed to forgive as a child of around 5 or 6 years in age. It seemed a bit silly at first, but  I closed my eyes and pictured my dad as a kid. I saw him standing in his own boyish innocence.  Unsullied, trying to navigate his own way through the world. 

   I then realized that my grandfather, who had once popped me in the mouth from across the dinner table without warning, was my dad’s dad. My dad treated me like that when he was mad at me, because that’s how he’d been treated. He didn’t know any better way. Even my grandfather was living from the previous cycle of his own life and his parents before him and so on.  I could see that. Children learn what they live and then they become adults who have kids who live what they have been taught and the cycle goes on and on and on.  

   When I saw my dad as the boy he once was, it hit my heart like a bolt of lightning. And I wept and wept for him.  I wept for the child he was, I wept for the man he might have been and I wept for the girl I might have been too. One who wasn’t hit. One who didn’t have a root of rejection and feelings of unworthiness she was trying to rid herself of.  Oh, how wonderful it must be to not have to do this kind of work as an adult!  Do any of us make it through unscathed? Probably very few.  

   Seeing my dad so vulnerable and helpless helped me to see that he too was a product of his environment. As was his dad and his before him, and so on and so on.  It made it easy to forgive my dad for the mistakes he'd made.  And I could let the resentment and anger go. I saw my dad was doing the best he could with the tools he had. As Bob Marley once wrote:

"The biggest man you ever did see was once a baby... In this life... we're coming in from the cold." 

   We are all just doing the best we can. Most of the time, when I think of my dad, I remember so many good times. Seriously, my dad was cool.  He even had a motorcycle!  I think of the music my dad exposed me to, from Dave Brubeck to The Doors,  the work ethic he instilled in me, the rock concerts he took me to, the father/daughter talks we would have, the wonderful vacations he took us on as a family, how when I was 16 he drove me and a girlfriend around and around O’Hare airport looking for a band I was a huge fan of because my girlfriend had gotten a tip the band was landing at a certain gate!
Oh my goodness the things daddies do for their little girls! And my dad did it all!  

He was a total trooper!  And always, always there when I need him. Even to this day. I have so much love for my dad. He's a wonderful man and father. The good stuff totally out weights the bad stuff, but I had been letting the bad moments basically run my life like a computer program that’s open in the background but you can’t see it.  I thought I had closed that window a long time ago, but man... it was really slowing things down. But, I ran some forgiveness software and cleaned it up! 

   

I heard Dr. Matt James talk about ho’oponopono years ago and it resonated with me deeply.  Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian forgiveness exercise in which you forgive hurts of the past in a step by step process.  It’s not about condoning the behavior in any way, but instead using the experience and learning from it, but releasing the hurt. 

   He also spoke of using the practice of forgiveness and release on people who were no longer in the physical world. In those exercises, you imagine the person you’d like to forgive sitting in front of you and follow the steps with them as you would if they were there physically. 

   I have found it to be very freeing and it has helped me to begin to move on and stand in my own authentic power. It has allowed me to forgive my grandfather and see that he too was doing the best he could. I forgave, but took the wisdom of the experience with me. The wisdom is knowing I do not want to repeat the same mistakes. 

   Now that I have my own children, I am bound and determined to break the cycle. I realize the importance of taking the time to discipline my children with respect and love. I know that these choices I make will have a rippling effect for generations to come and I want the ripples I make to be ones of unconditional love and hope. 

Some people don’t want to forgive because they think it excuses the behavior somehow.  I don’t condone or excuse any of it.  But I understand. One of my favorite quotes is: 

                       “Do not weep. Do not wax indignant. Understand.” ~ Spinoza

    I didn’t want to drink the poison of unforgiveness anymore.  I am the one who will suffer from swallowing the unforgiveness and it is me who will benefit from putting it down!  To carry it around would weigh me down.  I can forgive the mistakes of the past and move forward. Not forgetting the lessons, but taking that wisdom with me into a lighter and brighter tomorrow for myself to live unencumbered by the burdens of the past while blessing generations of the future. 

Defiance- A Different View

   We have a little under the table joke in our house that goes something like:

    “Had our second child been born first, she’d be an only child.”  

    We all laugh, but there is a grain of truth there.  Our first child was our angel baby. She seldom cried, she was happy, talkative, compliant and fun loving. She was a pleaser. She was spanked ONCE in her life. She made it super easy to be the parents we dreamed of being.  She made us look good! 

   And the second one? She was happy, content and all the rest, but not so much in the compliance department. She is a strong willed girl, who quickly exasperated this mom, so regrettably the “no spanking” rule we decided upon before we had kids went straight to hell in a hand basket more than once! She has a mind of her own for certain! She is sometimes downright defiant! 

   As her parent, I had to ask myself a fundamental question: Do I see it as my job to break my child of her defiant nature? Or am I here to guide her and help her hone that energy into something positive?  Spanking says to the child, “I am going to hurt you, until you do it my way!”  When we spank, we intend to ‘break’ the child of the undesirable behavior.  but we also have a tendency to break their spirit in the process.  Furthermore, do I really need to rid my child of her defiant nature or is a little defiance a good thing every now and then?

    As a girl, I was spanked because I had a sassy mouth on me and I didn’t tow the line. I had an independent spirit that was hard to handle sometimes. My poor father would take all he could and then he’d pop. His fuse was short. He’d go from calm to struggling to get his belt off quickly enough before I could get away.  This put welts on my back side, but made me shut my mouth. For the moment. It got the immediate result. But in hindsight, there is much regret.   My dad and I have cried over the past. He feels horrible for it all and I have forgiven him for everything. He did the best he could with the tools he had. And there were so many things he did and still does absolutely right!  We all learn as we go on this parenting journey.  When you know better, you do better. Plus, he is the best grandfather in this whole wide world!! 

    My dad confided in me once that he was glad that I had that independence and spit fire spirit as a teen and as an adult, even if it was hard to deal with at times as a child. He told me that he knew I would always be able to take care of myself, wouldn’t be walked on or let a man take advantage of me  So, it was a good thing in the end, I just needed to learn how to use that energy in a positive way.

   Let’s think for a minute where we might be without people who defied authority? What about the people who dared stand up to Hitler? Or Galileo standing up to the conventional wisdom of his day? What about the women who defied those who told them they couldn’t vote? I would be proud if any of them were my child. Standing up for what they believe even when it was incredibly difficult is admirable.  But I wonder if the defiance had been beaten out of them at a young age, if they still would have had the same spirit within them to stand up against such a formidable foes later in life.  

    We as a society need to consider that as we myopically continue to reinforce the use of force to teach our children how to behave, we are doing a huge disservice, not only to them but to society as a whole.  Do we really want a society of blind followers? Do we want a bunch of people who’ve lost their sparkle and independent streak?  Do we want well trained militia that reacts out of fear rather than learn to trust their inner voice?  These are the teenagers we eventually send out into the world and the adults of tomorrow.  What kind of children are we rearing?

    We need to, as Steven Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, begin with the end in mind. We need to see the adults we want our children to grow to be. ANd we need to know that doesn’t happen by accident.  They learn what we teach them good or bad.  Do we see that defiant spirit rise up and beat it down time and time again until our child no longer feels comfortable raising her hand with a question in class or trusting her inner voice that tells her to run like hell in the other direction if a man she is with ever treats her with anything less than the utmost respect?  Nope.  Not this mom.  I want to rear children that are happy and confident and yes, even a little defiant.  

   I pledge to cultivate that independent spirit within both my daughters and allow them to refine it and use it to their advantage.  And in order to do that, spanking just isn't an option. I pledge to find better ways to get the results I want.  I hope you will join me in that pledge!

   No one said it was easy to be a good parent.  Finding other ways to discipline your children is hard.  Raising your hand  might seem easier and quicker.  But, in the end you will be much happier with the adults they become, so will they and so will the rest of the world!  

"C" is for Conduit

C is for Conduit

I wanted to challenge myself to write about my conversion, crack in my cosmic egg and coexisting and I chickened out! How’s that for some “C” words? 

But, then I asked for helped and reached out. My dear friends gave me some great advice about being truthful writing from heart and creating a trusting relationship with the reader.  And that’s how I feel about writing, so I get that. I feel like I share this part of myself with all of you. It feels very intimate to me, so I was hesitant to ruffle any feathers and have what I write make people feel uncomfortable.  But, honestly being uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing, especially not if it allows us to see things from a different perspective.

So, as I was about to close Facebook today, I took a look at a video my mom had posted about a new movie coming out called Holy Ghost. In it, Michael W Smith says quite fittingly that he want 2 things in life: One is to never be offended again by anyone and the other is that he wants to be an open conduit for the Holy Spirit.   And then I heard my new “C” word: Conduit. 

You see although I am not a card carrying born again Christian anymore, Michael W Smith and I agree completely. I also want to not be offended, (Jesus actually told us not to be!) and I want to be an open conduit for the holy spirit to use.  The difference being that I no longer believe that believing in the gospel of salvation and asking Christ into my heart is the only way to do that. 

I see God’s spirit as the essence of everything since everything came from God, we really can’t be anything but divine by our very nature. If God was all there was and then God created something, what did God use to create? So, for me it follows that God is actually alive through us and the holy spirit we all are talking about is God. No need for a trinity. It’s ALL God!  So, yes Spirit/God is within all of us, within everything.  We are spiritual being experiencing the physical and for those purposes we have the dichotomies of life to deal with, but we are filled with the same spirit that filled Jesus and we can walk daily recognizing that relationship just as Jesus did. He said, “The Father and I are One.”  But, Jesus wasn’t the great exception.  He wasn’t the only one who has that access to God. I believe Jesus was the great example, trying to show us the way. 

Jesus was a master teacher, yes. But, how short sited would it be to think God spoke to us one time, 2000 years ago and that’s all he had to say?  We have much to learn from many of the great teachers including Buddha, who would tell us to question everything, even what he says! Now that to me is a master teacher. One who teaches you to think for yourself, not tells you what to think. 

As I got older, I began to respect many of the things I read in other religious texts. I began to open the box I had put God in.  I let myself question my long held beliefs and listened very closely to my heart.  I knew how to tell if I was on the right track. Peace. Peace has always been my gage. Peace and the fruit.  You WILL know them by their fruit. And I began to see that God worked in the lives of many people...not just Christians. God was alive all over the planet, not just in the King James version of the bible. We are ALL the hands and feet of God. Living in that place of daily recognition of this fact is what heaven really is. So, wouldn’t hell be the opposite of that? Hell is forgetting that connection and believing that there is a separation from God.  Now this made sense to me.  

We are all conduits.  No one of us is more special than the other. None is more worthy of God’s love. No one has to do anything to receive what is already a part of who you are. Seeing the connection between all of us and God makes it so easy for me to see my neighbor as myself.  What if we all lived from that place of seeing God in each other? Wow. Imagine that. 

C is for Censoring. Writer Friends, I Need Help!

Censoring-

How does a writer write without self censoring? I ask because I have written 3 different “C” posts for today and I have yet to complete or post any of them, because something I say in each of them will offend someone! It might be someone I love very much or it might be someone I don’t even know, but each time I think about posting what I have just written, I think of all the people it might offend or hurt. It might even make some people not like me!  Oh no, not that!!! 

First, I began writing about the crack in my own cosmic egg and my religious conversion over the years. But, that’s very touchy.  And then I wrote about getting out of my Comfort Zone, but that too soon turned into something that might offend someone. So, I decided to write about coexisting. But, that led me to politics AND religion that potato got too, too hot.

So, now I am frustrated and I need some advice from some of my writer friends and I know I have quite a few. So, please. Tell me how you do it?  Do you throw caution to the wind and see no subject as taboo or do you carefully consider every word? 

B is for Beauty!

How often do we strive to look pretty, instead of cultivating our inner beauty? We all know that real beauty is truly an inner light that shines from within and beautifies the countenance making even the most seemingly plain person truly radiant, don’t we?  Many of us have met people who become more and more attractive the more we talk to them and get to know them. And then there are those people who are the epitome of worldly beauty, but the closer we get, the uglier they become. So, what gives?

I can just hear Fernando from the classic SNL skit starring Billy Crystal interrupting, “Dahhhling... It is better to LOOK good than to FEEL good.  And you... you...look... 

MAH-VELOUS!!”    So sorry Fernando, just like bell bottoms and rainbow suspenders some ideas are better left in the 70s! 

The 70s were rife with ad campaigns aimed at women who were now a powerful buying force. So, cosmetic companies began to “make up” reasons why we needed their products. For the last 40 years we have been bombarded by ads on tv, in magazines, on billboards, on the radio, by any means possible telling us we just aren’t good enough the way we are. That’s all most ads are doing really, trying to do convince you that you need this thing to make your life more complete.  Over and over. Every ad telling us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, don’t dress well enough, aren’t sexy enough or aren’t ‘something’ enough, but oh how lucky are we that they have the product that will change all of that!  It’s really just snake oil in a pretty package.   

I am reminded of a song called Ad Man by the band Servant. 

Watch out here come the Ad Man

With a message for your ears

He uses all your weaknesses 

And plays upon your fears

He fills the air with jingles

He puts sex in every ad

He tells us that our image 

Has to follow every fad

You’ve researched all you commercials

And you’re turning on the charm

You’re using it against me

Like a needle in my arm

You keep pushing merchandise

Seducing me to buy

You tell me I need

Another fix, another high

The Ad Man is the prophet of the century

Making all his profit off of you and me

I recommend the book The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf which delves deeply into mass culture and how we ladies have been manipulated by the cosmetic industries and pop culture to keep chasing an imaginary image of beauty.  We are all quite familiar with how photoshop is being used to create this image we can never live up to because it’s not real! We have to get to a point where we see the “man behind the curtain” for what it is, pull the curtain back and take back control. We also need to give ourselves permission to be real.

So what IS real? Is beauty truly is where you find it?  There is so much real beauty in the world, I think we overlook it because it’s just right there in front of our faces all the time.  My husband grew up in the heart of California and woke up to mountains every day. He never really realized how beautiful they were till he moved away and came back years later. He realized he had grown up in the “Garden of Eden” and didn’t even realize it.   

In the movie American Beauty, we watch the plastic bag fly through the air and we hear the words, “Sometimes there is so much ... beauty ... in the world. It's like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in." And he’s right.  Beauty is everywhere.  Even in the seemingly mundane there is so much beauty. So much!

What animates us and creates that light that shines from within? What makes one beautiful and not simply pretty? Pretty seems to be tied to something we put on. Something we wear.  But, in contrast,  beauty seems to radiates from within. 

I mean, isn’t it the wind that makes the bag floating through the air beautiful? It’s what is filling the bag from within. The bag didn’t have a fancy logo or bright colors. Nope. Just a normal plastic bag, but when filled from the inside becomes a dancing thing of beauty that mesmerizes and captivates. 

We might all be better served to spend our time filling ourselves with the things that will radiate true beauty from within. And wouldn’t the world be better served by teaching our daughters that it’s better to be beautiful than to look pretty. And how empowering to teach our sons what true beauty really is and what it looks like, so when he sees it, he recognizes and appreciates it.  

 What’s considered pretty changes with the whims of culture. But inner beauty is real and true and lasts. Truly, how often was someone’s life touched by the color of your lipstick? Or your lack of wrinkles? Or by how pretty you look?  

So, maybe instead of spending so much time and money on our outer appearance, we might spend time cultivating the inner qualities of peace, love and joy that will shine from within and illuminate our beings and in turn light the lives of those around us.