Defiance- A Different View

   We have a little under the table joke in our house that goes something like:

    “Had our second child been born first, she’d be an only child.”  

    We all laugh, but there is a grain of truth there.  Our first child was our angel baby. She seldom cried, she was happy, talkative, compliant and fun loving. She was a pleaser. She was spanked ONCE in her life. She made it super easy to be the parents we dreamed of being.  She made us look good! 

   And the second one? She was happy, content and all the rest, but not so much in the compliance department. She is a strong willed girl, who quickly exasperated this mom, so regrettably the “no spanking” rule we decided upon before we had kids went straight to hell in a hand basket more than once! She has a mind of her own for certain! She is sometimes downright defiant! 

   As her parent, I had to ask myself a fundamental question: Do I see it as my job to break my child of her defiant nature? Or am I here to guide her and help her hone that energy into something positive?  Spanking says to the child, “I am going to hurt you, until you do it my way!”  When we spank, we intend to ‘break’ the child of the undesirable behavior.  but we also have a tendency to break their spirit in the process.  Furthermore, do I really need to rid my child of her defiant nature or is a little defiance a good thing every now and then?

    As a girl, I was spanked because I had a sassy mouth on me and I didn’t tow the line. I had an independent spirit that was hard to handle sometimes. My poor father would take all he could and then he’d pop. His fuse was short. He’d go from calm to struggling to get his belt off quickly enough before I could get away.  This put welts on my back side, but made me shut my mouth. For the moment. It got the immediate result. But in hindsight, there is much regret.   My dad and I have cried over the past. He feels horrible for it all and I have forgiven him for everything. He did the best he could with the tools he had. And there were so many things he did and still does absolutely right!  We all learn as we go on this parenting journey.  When you know better, you do better. Plus, he is the best grandfather in this whole wide world!! 

    My dad confided in me once that he was glad that I had that independence and spit fire spirit as a teen and as an adult, even if it was hard to deal with at times as a child. He told me that he knew I would always be able to take care of myself, wouldn’t be walked on or let a man take advantage of me  So, it was a good thing in the end, I just needed to learn how to use that energy in a positive way.

   Let’s think for a minute where we might be without people who defied authority? What about the people who dared stand up to Hitler? Or Galileo standing up to the conventional wisdom of his day? What about the women who defied those who told them they couldn’t vote? I would be proud if any of them were my child. Standing up for what they believe even when it was incredibly difficult is admirable.  But I wonder if the defiance had been beaten out of them at a young age, if they still would have had the same spirit within them to stand up against such a formidable foes later in life.  

    We as a society need to consider that as we myopically continue to reinforce the use of force to teach our children how to behave, we are doing a huge disservice, not only to them but to society as a whole.  Do we really want a society of blind followers? Do we want a bunch of people who’ve lost their sparkle and independent streak?  Do we want well trained militia that reacts out of fear rather than learn to trust their inner voice?  These are the teenagers we eventually send out into the world and the adults of tomorrow.  What kind of children are we rearing?

    We need to, as Steven Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, begin with the end in mind. We need to see the adults we want our children to grow to be. ANd we need to know that doesn’t happen by accident.  They learn what we teach them good or bad.  Do we see that defiant spirit rise up and beat it down time and time again until our child no longer feels comfortable raising her hand with a question in class or trusting her inner voice that tells her to run like hell in the other direction if a man she is with ever treats her with anything less than the utmost respect?  Nope.  Not this mom.  I want to rear children that are happy and confident and yes, even a little defiant.  

   I pledge to cultivate that independent spirit within both my daughters and allow them to refine it and use it to their advantage.  And in order to do that, spanking just isn't an option. I pledge to find better ways to get the results I want.  I hope you will join me in that pledge!

   No one said it was easy to be a good parent.  Finding other ways to discipline your children is hard.  Raising your hand  might seem easier and quicker.  But, in the end you will be much happier with the adults they become, so will they and so will the rest of the world!