“Just wait till you have kids of your own, then you’ll understand!” I’d heard this phrase growing up not quite sure if it was a threat or a promise. It seemed to be some moto for those of the parental persuasion as if they were privy to some level of understanding I had not yet experienced. They knew a passcode to parenthood. My mother repeatedly told me as soon as I was pregnant with my first child, “It isn’t about YOU anymore.” She didn’t say that in a mean or derogatory way. She was telling me it was time to get ready to join the club!
I've always been touched by the song, "Look Over There" written by Jerry Herman from the musical La Cage Aux Folles. I learned and loved the song in my mid twenties before marriage and kids, but it wasn't until I became a parent that I truly understood it. In the song, Georges is telling his son, Jean-Michel how much he is loved by Albin, his long time partner who adopted Jean-Michel as a child. Love is love and when you become a parent, membership in the club is compulsory. Georges sings this song trying to remind their son of the selfless love he has been shown, but has forgotten in his anger over Albin’s behavior.
How often is someone concerned with the tiniest thread of your life?
Concerned with whatever you feel and whatever you touch?
Look over there.
Look over there.
Somebody cares that much.”
As I recently had a visit with my own mother and father, I was flooded with thoughts of how much they have taught me about being good parent simply by showing me their care and concern. My dad and I have always been close. Sure, we had our rough patches like most teenage girls and their fathers do. In spite of those, I remember so many times when my dad would take time to just sit and chat with me. It was special time. We called them our "Father/Daughter Talks." My dad took time to connect with me. He was interested in what was going on in my life and asked about it. We continue to be close to this day because he continues to be involved in our lives and thanks to texting we ‘talk’ daily. He wants to know what everyone has been up to. He asks lots of questions because he has a genuine interest in our happiness or if there is a problem, so he can help. Sometimes he might call just because he wants to hear our voices. Are the texts and calls always convenient? No, not always. But, all I need to do is look at my husband who'd give anything for call from his dad. We all would. He unfortunately died over 20 years ago. What a reminder that life is precious for us all. How often is someone concerned with the tiniest thread of your life? Keeping in touch with us brings my father joy and having my father in our lives knowing we are loved like that brings us joy. It's a win/win!
How often does somebody sense that you need them without being told?
When you have a hurt in your heart you're too proud to disclose?
Look over there.
Look over there.
Somebody always knows.
My mother always seemed to know when I needed her. She could just look in my eyes or hear an inflection in my voice and she knew how I was feeling. If I was in any kind of pain, my mother always tried to make me feel better in the best way she knew how. Concerned with whatever you feel and whatever you touch. As an overweight teenage girl, I had plenty to grapple with. My mom would go out of her way to make meals that were healthy for me when I was trying to lose weight. She was there to pick me up when I was feeling low and was the loudest voice cheering me on from the sidelines. As most teens do, I remember feeling lonely at times and I could actually see how my pain caused her to hurt also. All she did came from a place of wanting to ease my pain and make my life better. Her intentions and consequent actions have always come from that place of loving me more than her own self and wanting me to be happy. Did she always say the right thing? No. Words may have been said that hurt my feelings along the way, but it was the thought behind her words or actions that made those that didn't resonate with me easier to let go. I know the intention is not malicious. So for me, forgiveness comes pretty easily. Plus, my mom walks the talk and her many actions speak way louder than a few words. I believe that makes a huge difference. Continuous selfless actions of a loving parent come from that level of devotion that is the secret handshake of parenthood and how you can tell the posers from the professionals. And it makes all the other stuff fall away.
When your world spins too fast
And your bubble has burst
Someone puts himself last
So that you can come first
At the end of the day, I am so grateful for all my parents did right, that I can let go of the wrongs. That deep, abiding love was and is still the motivation for all they do, even if they sometimes miss the mark. The intention is from that place of benevolent love. All families fight at times. Disagreements are part of life. Focusing on the good times and knowing that the difficult times are a necessary part of learning and growing make it easy to see my parent's 'special sauce' kind of love for me, my older brother and now our families at the center of it all. It's a mixture of sweet and sour, but it’s real and it works. And honestly to continue with the mixed Big Mac metaphor, the sandwich just isn't as good without it!
In a world where people are disposable and easily replaced if they don't conform, knowing that no matter what someone has your best interest in mind and will always be in your corner loving you unconditionally is honestly something that makes life bearable. Someday, my heart will break beyond repair and I will miss being the center of my parents' universe. In kind, I secretly weep over the day when my own children no longer require my daily involvement. But, as those who have children know, it's a love like no other. And I couldn't change it if I tried.
My mom was right all along. When you become a parent, you learn about loving someone more than yourself and it's not about you anymore. Seems a shame to have to wait till then. So much wasted time. My hope is like Georges was trying to help Jean-Michel to see how much he has been loved even if it all hasn’t been perfect, my children will realize the same even before they know the secret handshake.
So count all the loves who will love you from now till the end of your life.
And when you have added the loves who have loved you before
Look over there
Look over there
Somebody loves you more.
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