How I Lost 125 Lbs.- Part 7: Doing The Hard

Like so many of us, many of my friends are making resolutions that involve dieting or weight loss.  I too find myself, after a moment of weakness spiraled into a week of bad eating, resolving to get my 'food' house in order once again.

I recently stepped on the scale after the holidays and was horrified by how quickly the numbers had risen! What, what. what???? F....f...F...FOURTEEN POUNDS???? I looked at my slightly rounder reflection in the mirror... How could YOU let this happen??? I glared at myself. You are supposed to know better!!  You have lost 125 lbs. after all... You are supposed to know how to do this!

I stood there disgusted with myself for a few moments. And then realized something:

“Nothing tastes as good as feeling good about myself feels.”

I had forgotten the minute that tempting food was in front of my face. I let myself go... too far... too long.  That’s the problem with a little taste sometimes... it can lead us into a downward spiral if the timing is right. And mine was.

It all began when my husband, knowing my affinity for the local donut shop’s bear-claw, wanted to surprise me with a treat.  He had taken our girls for donuts one Saturday morning as he has been known to do. Usually they go while I am still sleeping and get back before I wake. All I see are empty remnants of a fun, sugar-fueled morning with Daddy when Mommy wakes from her sleep in day. But this morning there was bag that was still full. I peeked inside. My first mistake.

To put it in a small dough-filled nutshell, one bear claw led to a slice of apple pie which I had gotten to celebrate my husband’s birthday that week. That led to another (oh, it was SO good!) with dairy-free vanilla ice cream the next night, which rolled into another piece of pie ala-mode the next night. Don’t look at me like that...  There was some left! I couldn’t let it go to waste! 

Every night that week, I stood at the pantry looking... for... something... sweet.  Or salty. Salty would do too. Sweet and salty would be divine!  I got in the habit of eating at night again and the day after Christmas, I stepped on the scale. FOURTEEN pounds? WHAT? I was stunned temporarily. I gained 14 pounds?? In 12 days?? How is that even possible???

These questions ran through my mind as I kept stepping on and off the scale hoping there was some kind of mistake. A malfunction perhaps.  But no.  As I looked at myself, I could easily see it.  I fooled myself into thinking I could let myself go as long as I did.

I believe with all my heart that as Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, you do better.”  We all want to do better. What I have learned is that I must go through a sort of detox when it comes to salt and sugar. I have to eliminate it from my body for a time or it seems almost impossible for me to resist it and I could end up back where I started in a short time. We’ve seen this happen time and time again. People lose weight only to gain it all back, plus more! Heck, I’ve done that my whole life. Till now, because I know better.

We must realize that although the spiritual component to weight loss is huge and crucial to our success, we can not over look the physiological effects of salt and sugar on our bodies and the cravings they encourage. Most processed food is being stuffed with sugar and salt to keep us stuck in the cycle of eating till we bust. How many times have you said to yourself as you reach for the bag of chips again, “How on Earth can I still be hungry??”  Or looked back on a nights eating and wondered how the hell you ate what you did? I know... Me too. 

So, as I get myself back on track, I’d like to help you not waste time ‘dieting.’ Until you make up your mind that you are ready to make a life style change and not just go on a diet, you might as well not bother.  It might be harsh to hear, but really... we have an industry that has made BILLIONS of dollars on people believing there is an easy way to lose weight.  Buy this... eat that... add this... cut out that... have this surgery... eat only this food... go on this program. They pray on our feelings of wanting to be better now... of thinking we can do it without too much work. 

And oh, how they lie. It reminds me of that line from the Princess Bride when Westley, as The Dread Pirate Roberts, tells Buttercup, “Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.”

Anyone who tells you losing weight is easy isn’t being honest. Well, wait. It IS easy. Calories in have to be less than calories out. That’s pretty easy. But, to have an eating plan that allows you to keep calories to a minimum but still get the maximum of nutrition, is that hard part. And you will never do that if you are wasting your calories on sugar and salt. And not only that, but once you allow a little to creep in, the cravings begin and you are fighting  a losing battle.

Plus, the salt makes you hold onto a least a few pounds of excess water which is hard on your body for various reasons. I feel excess water in my knees right away. One of the best benefits for me in changing my eating was less knee pain! I can even sit here and type cross legged. No way I could have done that two years ago.

Ridding my body of salt and sugar was key for me. It wasn’t easy. But, it allowed me to gain control. It was only then that I was able to move forward in my weight loss journey. I had to go through the valley to get to the mountain. Some valleys can seem awfully deep.

I call it “Doing the Hard.”  Going through that uncomfortable period where the cravings are making you nuts. Having an action plan to handle them, but most of all realizing the temporary nature of it all. That this too shall pass and when it does- you are golden and it will be so much easier to say no. You can make use of the suffering you feel by letting it help you understand the control food can have for some of us. You’ll see it for what it is and the spell can be broken.

Of course, love yourself through it all. We need to give ourselves time to adjust. Give our taste buds time to change. Give our brains time to get the messages: Good food is good! Fruit is sweet! I can eat to live, not live to eat!  But when you try to eat an apple after you’ve had a candy bar earlier, you aren’t going to think the apple is sweet at all. It’s gonna be hard to enjoy the apple because the taste of the salt and sugar is fresh in your mind. People try to do this and wonder why the fruit doesn’t taste as sweet. So, they reach for the candy bar time and time again. This is text book self sabotage.

In my opinion, it is key to go for an extended period of time without salt and sugar to detox. In The Rice Diet Solution, they have a phase one that is very strict and no sugar or salt is allowed. No, you don’t just eat rice. I actually didn’t eat any rice at all, but learned healthy habits through calorie restriction.  It was hard. It was miserable at times. It made me cranky. It made my head hurt. I was hungry all the time at first. But, after years of dieting it was just what I needed. And it was life changing for me.

You may not be up for such restrictions. I can understand that. Not everyone is. But, if weight loss or fitness is your goal,  don’t be afraid to Do The Hard! Give yourself a fair chance at success by eliminating processed foods, salt and sugar for a while. You’ll be glad you did and your body will thank you.  

And again truly, NOTHING tastes as good as feeling good about yourself feels.

Are you willing to do the hard and find that out? I’d love to hear from you.

How I Lost 125 lbs- Part 6: "The Worst Lies Are The Lies We Tell Ourselves."

My weight loss journey continues. Thanks for coming along! 

In part 5, I took a look at how a flaw in my thinking hindered my every attempt at weight loss. I discovered I had a root of rejection deep within me. I saw myself as broken and needing fixing when instead, I needed to accept and love myself simply for being. 

I now believe that most problems can be traced to the flaw in our thinking that we are anything other than Divine at our core.   

So, in the aftermath of this spiritual awakening, I saw myself differently. I indeed was a child of God and needed to act accordingly. I wanted to be a better wife,  a more present mother,  a healthier woman, a more loving friend.  I wanted to let the Light shine through.   We are all intended for Light of Love to express Itself through us.  

One of the many teachers I read during this time was James Ray and he uses the metaphor of a glass of water for the way we enter the world, clear... clean... light able to shine right through us. And then the world comes in or as he puts it, someone pours cranberry juice into your clean, clear water.  So, now your water is all muddied and mucked up. How do you get it clean? You can’t dump the glass out, so you have to just keep pouring clear water back in till you flush out all the cranberry juice. This process takes a while. The world and its programming are hard to reverse. It’s a daily renewal of your thinking and a commitment to filling your vessel with clean, clear water. Meditation is an integral part of that filling up for me. It allows my own thinking to be quieted for a while and the clear water to be poured.  

During my meditations, I began to dedicate time to actively visualize myself as the person I wanted to be. I didn’t just focus on how thin my thighs would be, but I pictured myself doing what those thinner thighs would allow me to do.  I also allowed myself to feel the feelings I’d get from  playing with my girls and running around the yard.  I knew running was something I could never do at my current weight, so it was a good exercise in visualizing to see myself running.  At first, it was really hard. It was always ‘someone else’ who was running in my mind’s eye... never me... never my face if the body was thinner and running.  It was hard for me to accept that I could actually make that happen for myself.  

I was working against limiting beliefs that had been ingrained in my thinking for years- lots of cranberry juice!  But,  I continued visualizing and kept trying to feel the feelings of exhilaration as I ran in my mind. I felt the happiness.  And as I kept pouring the water in, it got easier.  But, I wasn't letting things flow freely just yet.   

About the same time, I began reading a book called Loving What Is by Byron Katie. In the book, she teaches you to do “The Work” where you challenge assumptions, ways of thinking or even just individual thoughts. I needed to challenge my assumption that I’d always be heavy.  I had always called myself a “big girl.”  

"I'll always be a big girl."  "That’s just the way I am."  Or so I thought.

In doing “The Work” you ask 4 questions. The first of which is: “Is it true?” This forces you to look the ‘issue’ in the face and call it out. 

So, let’s take my statement, “I am a big girl and always will be.”   Is that true?  And question #2: Can you absolutely know it’s true?   No... not absolutely. I may be a big girl, but will I always be one?  No. I do not know or can not know that to be true.  So, no. That is not true. Even if it is the way things are right now, it is not a life sentence.  So, here I am stacking my blocks on an idea that isn’t even true.  Nice.  

I was living question #3: What happens when you believe that thought or how does the thought make you feel? Our lives are a reflection of the pervading thoughts we have been thinking most of our lives. I never felt victorious with my weight loss because I always saw it as a temporary state and saw myself as a victim of circumstance. I always felt like I had very little control over anything to do with my weight and would fall back into old patterns or let things go when I should have exerted self control.

The next question, #4,  was life changing for me in many areas of my life: Who would you be without that thought? 

 

Wow. I had to stop and take a breath. Who would I be?? 

As I began to look back at my life and how being the ‘fat girl’ in my own mind.... not anyone else's mind, but only my own...  had affected so many areas of my life from friends, to school, to how I chose not to do certain things in life.  I never would have admitted it back then, but I saw it sticking out like a sore thumb now.  It had always seems so innocuous too.  I mean, the word ‘fat’ isn’t even used.  I’m just big... big boned... big boobied... big butted... Just big.  But maybe, I wasn't meant to be this big. Maybe I'm a smaller framed girl, but it just feels better to say I am bigger boned... But was I really? No. I really wasn't. I believed that lie for long enough.  

Combine this with the other lie I believed because I was told over and over, "Nobody likes a fat girl."  These two thoughts were at the core of my self esteem issues: I was just a ‘big girl’ and because of that, I was unworthy of love from anyone. 

I had given up many years of my life to those thoughts and they weren’t even true.  Where would I be without those thoughts?  I wouldn't have felt so unacceptable by others for looking the way I did. I wouldn’t have felt like I needed to change to be OK. I think part of me actually rebelled against the fact that  people were constantly on my back to lose weight and felt like I would control what I could control and that was the amount I ate, so I ate a lot.  It was like, See? I can still be wonderful and be heavy! I was trying to convince myself and everyone else that I was ok with being overweight.  But in my heart of hearts,  I wasn’t ok with it.  So, it was all just confusion in the end.   I was manic, I was either the “I’m-cool-with-being-heavy-Dina” or “Dieting-frantically-Dina,” because I was so disgusted with myself.  Either way, I wasn’t being me.  I knew I was in there somewhere.  I had to find her!

Instead of continuing to associate all of those negative feelings with my weight, I began to do what Byron Katie calls “the turn around” or the last part of The Work.  The ‘turn around’ involves you taking that limiting belief you are challenging and turning the thought around while finding evidence of it in your life.  In my case: “I am just a big girl and always will be,” became "I am not just a big girl. I have not always been and will not always be." For me, I might find pictures of myself when I was a smaller person after dieting or a younger child before I gained weight and see that I have not always been a big girl and that I am indeed capable of losing weight.  I also read many success stories of others who had changed their lives and eating habits and changed their bodies and kept the weight off for good.  I realized how I was lying to myself and believing it every time I didn't expect more from myself. 

So, I began to believe that it could be done.  If others can do it, I can do it.  The truth was right there.  I had just been programmed to not see it.  Why? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why would we settle for less than every good thing? Why does that scare us so? 

I saw that it was a lie I was telling myself that I would always be the big girl. It wasn’t true. People lose weight every day. It is as simple as calories in and calories out.  Nothing more.  If I wanted to, I could do it.  I began to see it as possible. It could even be easy, I began to believe. The more I visualized, the more the picture of myself that I had in my head began to change as well. 

To organize my thoughts and give myself a reference point to return to again and again, I began making a vision board. I had heard many ‘new ager’ types talk about the vision board and had always kind of scoffed at the idea. It seemed childish and unnecessary.  But since I was trying to reprogram my brain, I figured I’d give it all the help I could. So, I got out my magazines, a big piece of cardboard/posterboard, scissors and glue and began looking for pictures that made me feel good and represented what I wanted or how I wanted to feel.  I have included an actual picture of my first vision board. It amazes me how accurate it is now.  A little scary even.  I had included other areas in addition to weight. Those other things are things I’d like to have or experience.

 The point of the vision board is to help you focus your thoughts and to help you visualize what you want to see happen in your life. The Bible says: "As a man thinketh in his heart so shall he be." The Buddha said, "All we are is a result of what we have thought." I think this  idea  bears some attention, don't you?

I thought so, so much so that I would dedicate time during my morning hour of meditation just for visualizing. I would look at my vision board and picture myself doing the things I had always wanted to do with my kids.  I really began to try to feel how I was going to feel after losing the weight. I began to feel the feeling of liking how I looked when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I began to feel the feeling of running and it not hurting. I began to feel the feelings of putting on a pair of jeans and liking the way I looked in them and then looking at the tag and seeing a size I wanted to be.  I also began visualizing stepping on the scale and seeing the numbers I wanted to see. 

Needless to say, I kept my vision board handy and I went on to do the work with so many limiting thoughts and beliefs I had and I still use the technique today when I find myself entertaining thoughts that don’t serve me in any way.  It really keeps my mind in check and the bad thoughts... or good ones that can be us trying to fool ourselves... from becoming too loud and distracting.  And thus the tide began to turn for me. In a very good way.

What limiting beliefs can you do The Work on today? I challenge you to take one, do The Work on it and then share the results with me in the comment section. I look forward to hearing from many of you. :)

Part 5- We Are Spirits In A Material World

I promised the next part today and here it is! I hope you are enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it. Please let me know what you think. :)

We are Divine by our very nature. By the very act of being born into this world, do we cease to be what we are? We are God expressing Itself in the physical; spiritual beings having a physical experience. I remember telling this to my husband many times as we would talk and have philosophical conversations in college. He would say, You know most Christians don’t believe that. It’s not a very traditional idea.... maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It is what I have come to realize at this point in my life, whatever that makes me.  I’m ok with that.

I never gave much thought to that original sin concept. I just accepted it.  But I began to see it as a flaw in my own thinking about who I was at my core. If I was bad inherently, then when I reverted to my old behavior, I was just being what I truly am- bad.  I see this mode of thought as a major contributing factor to the problems with humanity as a whole.  It is the whole pygmalion syndrome. You can clean us up and dress us up, but if we believes deep down we are no-good, that is the behavior we will revert to when push comes to shove. We will become selfish, judgmental, impatient, and downright unkind when our fruit is squeezed.   If we believe goodness is ‘out there’ in someone else or something else, then we are never truly transformed by it. Transformation has to come from within. But, if we believes that we truly are good at our core and acceptable simply because we are, then we begins to see the beauty we truly do possess within each of us and we can see that is who we are, a vessel for  the Almighty and simply our job is be filled and let the Light shine through.

As I became a mother for the first time,  I looked into the eyes of my beautiful baby girl and I wondered how was she sinful by the very act of being born??  As I looked into her eyes, I could actually see the Light of God and feel the Love that God has for each of us as we stumble around in this world.  In many Eastern traditions, children are actually revered because they have just come from the spirit world where they were part of the Divine.  Babies are the closest to God when they are born and as the world and as they become immersed in our world, they become more and more worldly and less and less in touch with their divinity.

The world muddies the water and keeps you distracted instead of focused on the many blessings that are surely in your life. We all have many things we can be thankful for even  in the midst of hardship. We must decide where our focus will be.

I believe if we maintain a focus on the Divine and truly “pray without ceasing” by being in a constant state of gratitude for all we have, the good and the not so good. It is like a love song playing in your head to God instead of those negative thoughts about yourself, your unhappiness, how you wish things were different, how you’d be so happy only if... Our emotions rule us and we focus on our ‘humanity’ and we forget the ‘divinity’ that is at our core.  Our humanity should be embraced, but put in its rightful place; to be used by us, not allow it use us at our own expense. An attitude of gratitude is the key to keeping the focus.

Once I saw myself as the hands and feet of God that I truly was, that we ALL are, I began to expect so much more of myself. I saw that I was capable of doing what was necessary to have the life I wanted. I had all that power within me through my constant connection accessible whenever I needed it. We all do. It is the intention of God, of Spirit, of the Divine that we all live in that connection. When we do, we are inspired... “in Spirit...” and we can see the way in which we should go.

These ideas felt so right to me and resonated with me on a very deep level beyond explanation. I began to see differences in my behavior. I became less self absorbed, more patient, more giving. My fruit became sweeter. Something was different now in a way it never was before.   And it was more than just the power of positive thinking. It was realizing what the ‘fruit of the spirit’ really was and seeing it grow in my life. I began to judge most things and people by the fruit they yield.


And for the FIRST time in my life, in my mind’s eye, I saw myself as a thinner person. I was never able to do that before. I would try... I would cut off my head and glue it on a model’s body and tape it to the fridge to deter my snacking. Ha! It never worked.  I talked myself out of believing that could actually be me.  But now, I could see it for the first time.  I told my husband with tears in my eyes, “I can see myself... wow... I really see that it is possible. I can do it.”   I was thinking differently and I could see the results of that new thinking in my life.

To Be Cont.  I promise not to make you wait too long. I’ll get to work on part 6 asap.

Part 3 Of My Weight Loss Journey or 'Party Time Italian Style'

This is part three in a series about my weight loss journey. If you have not read parts one and two, I encourage you to do so. 

I began meditating in 2006 and enjoyed all that I was learning about myself.  I remember when I began thinking that self introspection was important I would ask my mom about things from my childhood. We would talk about things she or my dad had said to me and how that affected me even now some 30 years later.  My poor parents. They didn't like that so much.  Nor would any parent I suppose, but as I explained to my mother, I am not trying to make you feel bad. I just want to know WHY I am the way I am and I can only do that by examining the past.

 
Don't get me wrong here. My parents were and are still to this day wonderful and a hugely positive influence in my life. They are both genuine, giving and couldn't love their kids any more if they wanted to! They did make mistakes, however, not intentional mistakes; nor were they even aware that what they were saying or doing would have ill effects. I truly believe they did the best they could and honestly thought that they were helping, as did the grandfather I talked about in part 2.  

My mother, who was naturally thin, was the doting Italian mother who used to prepare special meals for me as I tried every diet under the sun. She would encourage me to exercise. She would remind me to step away from the table after I had eaten and was reaching for seconds and thirds. She would help me pick out clothes that made me look thinner too. All meant to help me. My mom didn't like seeing me miss out on things or being sad because I was different.

 My mom used to tell me, "Dina, you need to learn to eat to live, not live to eat." Yeah... ok, Mom. Although this phrase would eventually become a mantra for me,  it made NO sense to my adolescent mind.  I mean, it went totally against my upbringing. 

In my family food was the center of everything!  Someone is coming over? What are we going to serve them? Someone is getting married or having a baby? What are they going to serve us?  Every get together, every occasion was centered around FOOD! 

We are Italians, after all. Our people are known for their love of food. And it didn't help that everyone in my family is a phenomenal cook or baker.  Our entire family took food quite seriously.  I remember when my husband came to his first Christmas at my Auntie Pat's and Uncle Bob's house or was it Thanksgiving at Auntie Deb's? No matter, it's all the same. It looked like most everyone's home.  Beautiful table set, people everywhere mingling and chatting about what's new. 

And then the meal began and you were very busy for a while.  We started with salad and pasta, ravioli usually, but maybe lasagna with melt-in-your-mouth meatballs, fall-off-the-bone ribs, crusty, get-every-last-drop-of-the-gravy bread. And by the way, it's called gravy not sauce! 

Now, I know you are thinking that sounds like a meal all to itself. And it was!  But we were JUST beginning. Next came the turkey and maybe a ham too. And of course everyone brought a side dish, so the table was packed with every good thing under the sun.  And we haven't even gotten to desert which was loaded with so many goodies, we had to clear the dinner table to make room for the 'sweet table!' It was a freakin' several course- open the button on your pants or if you were smart you went with the elastic waistband- kind of meal.

I'll stop before I drive you all to your nearest Olive Garden or all-you-can-eat Italian buffet, but you can see what I mean.  And now you can understand, the food was the reason most people showed up in the first place! I had a love/hate relationship with holidays growing up.  For me, there was always a tremendous amount of stress involved with family gatherings. Oh sure, the food was delicious, but what usually ensued next was something I would undoubtedly have to endure.

Something would be said about how much I was eating and because the food was so good, I WAS eating and loving every minute of it. That was until my weight, how much I might have lost or gained since the last time we all saw each other or what a shame it was I was heavy because I had such a pretty face, became the topic of conversation.  Many times I would end up in the bathroom in tears.  But, I knew it caused others in my family pain too and that almost hurt more. I still can see the look of pain on my grandpa's face  as he looked at me sometimes.   It ached him that I wasn't thinner and thus prettier.  He wanted that so much for me. This is not the grandfather I wrote about in part two, who told me nobody likes a fat girl.  This grampa would never voice that to me directly and always accepted me the way I was, but I could see the disappointment in his ever expressive face. Again, no one was purposely hurting me. I know that now. But, time and time again we'd end up talking about my weight and I was relieved if someone else was the topic of conversation.

Food was not only a way of celebrating every holiday and victory, it was also they way we comforted ourselves or each other.  My dad and I had quite a few years where our relationship was quite strained.  In hindsight, I think my father just didn't know how to deal with me.  I was headstrong and independent and not the compliant child my older brother was.  So, my dad and I butted heads A LOT! 

But, one of the things I remember is that whenever my dad and I had a big fight, he would reach into his 'stash' of Little Debbie or Dolly Madison snack cakes he had in a special hiding place and he would place one out on the counter for me to find after he had gone to bed. It was his way of telling me he was sorry.  He left me a treat as a peace offering; as a love offering. 

My dad struggles with many of the same eating issues I do, so I know he meant well. But, it isn't hard to sit back now and see the mixed messages I got about food my whole life. Food was joy. Food was love. 
I was also expected to have willpower in the face of daily challenges that would bring anyone to their knees. My brother, the golden child, never had a weight issue. He was good looking, had lots of girlfriends and never understood what I was going through.  He would eat in front of me without apology. He has since apologized for such treatment, but at the time it was down right hard to deal with.

So, with the hidden stash calling my name, a kitchen pantry full of temptations, and my mother's excellent cooking to contend with I was expected to stick to a diet while everyone else ate what they wanted. Hence, at times, I felt very much alone and misunderstood.

So, there I was trying to examine my past without hurting my parents or blaming them for the way I turned out. I just wanted things to change.  As I read more and more books on self improvement, I began to see how I was letting my past dictate my future. I wondered why I was allowing the things that happened to me so long ago to have such control over me still. 

I got a visual of the problem one day.  It was as though I went about my life carrying around every past hurt and pain on my back in heavy packs. With each interaction, whether with a stranger or a family member, I would lay my packs down between us and expect them to see through all the baggage and yet still see me.  No one had any idea of my ‘story’ or had any idea of all I'd been through, but I'd still allow all of that baggage to come between us unwittingly.  So, truly all of the relationships I tried to foster at that time in my life had a huge hurdle to get past before anything real and lasting could occur.

One of my favorite teachers, Wayne Dyer, describes it as 'letting the wake drive the boat' which is impossible. The wake can not drive a boat.  The wake is the trail of what's left behind... of where the boat had been...  not where it is going.  So, what or who does drive the boat? The driver and the engine, of course.  You are the driver and the engine is this moment... the energy of today... our right now. That is what is driving the boat.  I needed to get out of the wake and back in the boat! I needed to take back my power to control my own life in the here and now and stop letting the wake/my past drive my boat.  This was another visual I could wrap my brain around and I got it! This was huge for me. I saw how I did this time and time again and it started to become obvious to me when I was letting this happen, so I was able to get back on track before it got too far off course. Finally, I was getting somewhere.

From that moment on, I worked at letting my past go. I mean, that's what everyone says, right? Let go and let God. I had to let it go.  I knew it was better for my health all around. I even did forgiveness exercises where I ceremoniously forgave all the people who I felt had wronged me in my life in one way or another. It is called Ho’Opono and it  is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. It was wonderful and freeing! I was letting it all go. Breaking free from the past and all that baggage.

Combined with meditation, I really felt like I was getting somewhere. I felt so spiritual, so connected to God.  Until, someone would piss me off or things did not go the way I wanted.  Then, all hell would break loose and I would be back to square one.  What the heck??? I was learning so much! I felt like I was coming so far! And then, in a few moments I was reduced to a hurting, weeping, out of control child who nobody likes because I'm the fat girl!!

What?????  Not her again!!!! Come on!  It was like there was this little girl taking up residence inside me and whenever I got my feelings hurt, she would come out and have a hissy fit and then retreat to wherever she hid till the next time.  But, I am not letting the wake drive the boat anymore, so why is this happening?? I am dealing with my past and letting it go, so why do I have so little control over my feelings??  For me, the answer would come a little deeper and in a very different package, something called The Pain Body.  Cue the scary music!

cont.

How I Lost 125 lbs.- Part 1: Well How Did I Get Here?

Edited and reposted. Still not perfect, but better. :)

I remember the day my wonderful husband and I were sitting watching Survivor and commenting how everyone who goes on Survivor loses weight. I quip,  "I need to get on Survivor, if not for anything else to lose some weight!"  The hubby points out that they eat mostly rice. A lightbulb goes off and I get the laptop out to start surfing. I come across The Rice Diet Solution book right away and I am sucked in with the promise of losing 20 lbs. in a month.  I read countless reviews on this book. Most people who have done it seem to love it. But do I really want to go on another diet? Can I really eat primarily rice and lose weight and still be happy?   I am not convinced just yet.  All I can think is, "Here we go again!"

Allow me to back up here for a moment. I realize it wouldn't be right of me to begin any story about my weight loss journey without discussing how I got where I was in the first place. Whether or not it was true at the time,  I have thought of myself as a big girl most of my life though my weight constantly fluctuated because I was always on some sort of diet.  I wasn't heavy as a child, but when I hit puberty the weight started to come on slowly even though I was active in sports and cheerleading. Unfortunately, I had several knee injures that curtailed sports for me around age 14, and thusly, my physical activity went basically to nothing at the time when my hormones were raging and I was eating like I was still a kid. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not a good combo! In hindsight I see that I had a womanly figure quite early when many of my friends were still looking like,...well, little girls which is what we were. But, I didn't feel that way around my girlfriends who were a size 2 when I was a size 12... in 8th grade.

I heard the phrase, "but you have such a pretty face" more times than I care to recount.  Although strangers and the kids at school could be cruel, it was my family that seemed to be obsessed with my weight and took every opportunity to discuss it. I felt like everyone saw the weight first and me as a person second. My worth was tied to how much I weighed. This filled me with such feelings of shame. I felt that I disappointed my mother most of all.  She was so beautiful and thin.  And I... well... I didn't even look like her daughter.  Judy was a neighbor across the street who had a daughter my age named Tara. The adults used to joke that Tara, who was thin and cute as a button, was my mom's daughter and I was Judy's.  Judy was thought of as chunky because she had a little more meat on her bones in those days.  I know this was meant as a joke, but it made me feel unwanted and unworthy of even being my own mother’s daughter. I couldn't be her's- I was fat!

I continued to gain weight through high school and spent many a night in front of the TV watching MTV instead of dating, which like every teenage girl I would have liked to have done more often. But it's a vicious cycle. You eat because you feel awful and eating makes you feel good.... then you gain weight, so you feel awful, so you eat because eating makes you feel better... then you gain weight, so you feel awful... and so it goes.... and so it goes. Someone cue Fat Bastard please, "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat."  Can you hear the bad Scottish accent?? And high school boys are not known for looking past the outer appearance. I met a few, but not many.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't sitting at home every night. I had a very active social life. I performed in many plays and musicals throughout these years and  had lots of friends. I was quite happy. But when I looked around at other girls my age who were dating boys and having what is supposed to be the typical teenage experience, it wasn't mine and I wanted what they had.  

I met my future husband in college. He showed me what real unconditional love looked like. We had many a long talk and through the time we spent together, I dealt with many of the issues I had growing up and the feelings of shame and guilt.  I forgave my parents for they were truly doing the best they could. In hindsight, my mother did more for me than most mothers would ever have done. She was always putting me on this diet or that one trying to help me fit in. She never meant to hurt me. No one did.  As I accepted what happened,  I began to feel a sense of self worth I never had before. I was worthy of the love of others, yes. But most of all I was worthy of self love. 

Our detailed story is a post for another day, but suffice it to say he accepted me for who I was and what I looked like. He became proud of me because he loved so much more of the person I was inside than what I looked like on the outside or how I made him look to other people.  My weight went up and down in those years. I was still ‘dieting,’ so nothing stuck for good. It never seemed to matter to him. God bless that man.

In those years, I also developed a severe milk allergy.  I went from being able to enjoy ice cream, sour cream and all the goodies of the dairy world (Cheese! Glorious cheese!) to getting severe abdominal cramps and not being able to leave the bathroom if I ate even a little! I began having to read labels for fear of accidental dosing and being up in the middle of the night sitting on the throne wondering what the hell I had eaten that contained the dreaded culprit- casein, a protein found in milk and used in many products nowadays.

My husband and I were married for 10 years before we got pregnant with our first child. One wonderful side effect to pregnancy for me (and believe me, I needed something wonderful! I had morning sickness that lasted 24/7 for almost the whole  9 months) was that my milk allergy went into remission for the duration of my pregnancy and for the first few months of breast feeding.  So, guess what I did for that time? I did what anyone would do who was in my shoes- I ate! And I mean, I ATE!  It seemed the only time I felt good and not nauseous was when I was eating.  A girl like me doesn’t need much more of an excuse to indulge, let me tell you. So, dairy was back on the menu! Cheese! Italian food that I missed so much was back also. I was teaching theater at this time and every day at school, I ate Sonic bacon cheeseburgers for lunch and topped it off with a Snicker ice cream bar. It became my 'little' routine.  

Go figure, I gained 100 lbs. with my first daughter. And in the four years before child number two, I had lost only some of it before getting pregnant again.  And once again, I was able to eat all the good stuff and kinda figuring it was my last hurrah (since I wasn't planning on having anymore kids)  I ATE! And ATE! And enjoyed every minute of it! Standing on the scale at the ObGyn,  I hit 301 lbs. and remember asking the nurse if she would please just write down 299 because I was so embarrassed.  My health was good so my doctor didn’t give me much grief about my weight. I blamed the scale. I always hated that scale anyway. It has it out for me. It is never the same as my scale back home! Why don’t you people get this thing fixed already!  And I only lost something like 5 lbs after giving birth.  How that is possible when your baby weighs almost 8 lbs. is beyond me, but that's how it went for me. 

When I told you I enjoyed gaining all that weight, that was not the whole truth. Gaining so much weight made me feel horrible about myself. On the outside I’d pretend I was fine with it, but deep down inside I was so ashamed of myself. I had really let myself go. The eating fun only lasted so long and now here I was heavier than ever and with 2 kids and a husband to take care of. I understood why so many moms are overweight these days.  I didn’t have much ‘me’ time anymore. 

I did lose a little bit because I breast fed and tried to watch what I was eating. Some days I even tried to get into yoga again. But my knees were hurting and my ankles still swollen and my spirit still quite broken.  I had gained and lost weight so many times and I was tired. I hit a plateau after losing about 40 lbs. and it became increasingly hard to shed anymore. I am just a big girl, I thought and copped out just like I had so many times before. That was easier on me than thinking of the work it was going to take to lose any more weight. My husband would hear me make excuses and would say, “You're not a big girl. I don’t see you that way. I never have. You have a small frame. Stop  telling yourself a lie.”   I didn't want to hear him.  If I wasn't just a big girl, then why has it so hard to lose weight all my life?  Every pound was always a struggle. I was beaten down and feeling FAT. I didn't want to leave the house most days. My weight ruled my life.  How did I let myself get like this?

To be cont.