How I Lost 125 Lbs.- Part 7: Doing The Hard

Like so many of us, many of my friends are making resolutions that involve dieting or weight loss.  I too find myself, after a moment of weakness spiraled into a week of bad eating, resolving to get my 'food' house in order once again.

I recently stepped on the scale after the holidays and was horrified by how quickly the numbers had risen! What, what. what???? F....f...F...FOURTEEN POUNDS???? I looked at my slightly rounder reflection in the mirror... How could YOU let this happen??? I glared at myself. You are supposed to know better!!  You have lost 125 lbs. after all... You are supposed to know how to do this!

I stood there disgusted with myself for a few moments. And then realized something:

“Nothing tastes as good as feeling good about myself feels.”

I had forgotten the minute that tempting food was in front of my face. I let myself go... too far... too long.  That’s the problem with a little taste sometimes... it can lead us into a downward spiral if the timing is right. And mine was.

It all began when my husband, knowing my affinity for the local donut shop’s bear-claw, wanted to surprise me with a treat.  He had taken our girls for donuts one Saturday morning as he has been known to do. Usually they go while I am still sleeping and get back before I wake. All I see are empty remnants of a fun, sugar-fueled morning with Daddy when Mommy wakes from her sleep in day. But this morning there was bag that was still full. I peeked inside. My first mistake.

To put it in a small dough-filled nutshell, one bear claw led to a slice of apple pie which I had gotten to celebrate my husband’s birthday that week. That led to another (oh, it was SO good!) with dairy-free vanilla ice cream the next night, which rolled into another piece of pie ala-mode the next night. Don’t look at me like that...  There was some left! I couldn’t let it go to waste! 

Every night that week, I stood at the pantry looking... for... something... sweet.  Or salty. Salty would do too. Sweet and salty would be divine!  I got in the habit of eating at night again and the day after Christmas, I stepped on the scale. FOURTEEN pounds? WHAT? I was stunned temporarily. I gained 14 pounds?? In 12 days?? How is that even possible???

These questions ran through my mind as I kept stepping on and off the scale hoping there was some kind of mistake. A malfunction perhaps.  But no.  As I looked at myself, I could easily see it.  I fooled myself into thinking I could let myself go as long as I did.

I believe with all my heart that as Maya Angelou says, “When you know better, you do better.”  We all want to do better. What I have learned is that I must go through a sort of detox when it comes to salt and sugar. I have to eliminate it from my body for a time or it seems almost impossible for me to resist it and I could end up back where I started in a short time. We’ve seen this happen time and time again. People lose weight only to gain it all back, plus more! Heck, I’ve done that my whole life. Till now, because I know better.

We must realize that although the spiritual component to weight loss is huge and crucial to our success, we can not over look the physiological effects of salt and sugar on our bodies and the cravings they encourage. Most processed food is being stuffed with sugar and salt to keep us stuck in the cycle of eating till we bust. How many times have you said to yourself as you reach for the bag of chips again, “How on Earth can I still be hungry??”  Or looked back on a nights eating and wondered how the hell you ate what you did? I know... Me too. 

So, as I get myself back on track, I’d like to help you not waste time ‘dieting.’ Until you make up your mind that you are ready to make a life style change and not just go on a diet, you might as well not bother.  It might be harsh to hear, but really... we have an industry that has made BILLIONS of dollars on people believing there is an easy way to lose weight.  Buy this... eat that... add this... cut out that... have this surgery... eat only this food... go on this program. They pray on our feelings of wanting to be better now... of thinking we can do it without too much work. 

And oh, how they lie. It reminds me of that line from the Princess Bride when Westley, as The Dread Pirate Roberts, tells Buttercup, “Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.”

Anyone who tells you losing weight is easy isn’t being honest. Well, wait. It IS easy. Calories in have to be less than calories out. That’s pretty easy. But, to have an eating plan that allows you to keep calories to a minimum but still get the maximum of nutrition, is that hard part. And you will never do that if you are wasting your calories on sugar and salt. And not only that, but once you allow a little to creep in, the cravings begin and you are fighting  a losing battle.

Plus, the salt makes you hold onto a least a few pounds of excess water which is hard on your body for various reasons. I feel excess water in my knees right away. One of the best benefits for me in changing my eating was less knee pain! I can even sit here and type cross legged. No way I could have done that two years ago.

Ridding my body of salt and sugar was key for me. It wasn’t easy. But, it allowed me to gain control. It was only then that I was able to move forward in my weight loss journey. I had to go through the valley to get to the mountain. Some valleys can seem awfully deep.

I call it “Doing the Hard.”  Going through that uncomfortable period where the cravings are making you nuts. Having an action plan to handle them, but most of all realizing the temporary nature of it all. That this too shall pass and when it does- you are golden and it will be so much easier to say no. You can make use of the suffering you feel by letting it help you understand the control food can have for some of us. You’ll see it for what it is and the spell can be broken.

Of course, love yourself through it all. We need to give ourselves time to adjust. Give our taste buds time to change. Give our brains time to get the messages: Good food is good! Fruit is sweet! I can eat to live, not live to eat!  But when you try to eat an apple after you’ve had a candy bar earlier, you aren’t going to think the apple is sweet at all. It’s gonna be hard to enjoy the apple because the taste of the salt and sugar is fresh in your mind. People try to do this and wonder why the fruit doesn’t taste as sweet. So, they reach for the candy bar time and time again. This is text book self sabotage.

In my opinion, it is key to go for an extended period of time without salt and sugar to detox. In The Rice Diet Solution, they have a phase one that is very strict and no sugar or salt is allowed. No, you don’t just eat rice. I actually didn’t eat any rice at all, but learned healthy habits through calorie restriction.  It was hard. It was miserable at times. It made me cranky. It made my head hurt. I was hungry all the time at first. But, after years of dieting it was just what I needed. And it was life changing for me.

You may not be up for such restrictions. I can understand that. Not everyone is. But, if weight loss or fitness is your goal,  don’t be afraid to Do The Hard! Give yourself a fair chance at success by eliminating processed foods, salt and sugar for a while. You’ll be glad you did and your body will thank you.  

And again truly, NOTHING tastes as good as feeling good about yourself feels.

Are you willing to do the hard and find that out? I’d love to hear from you.

Part 3 Of My Weight Loss Journey or 'Party Time Italian Style'

This is part three in a series about my weight loss journey. If you have not read parts one and two, I encourage you to do so. 

I began meditating in 2006 and enjoyed all that I was learning about myself.  I remember when I began thinking that self introspection was important I would ask my mom about things from my childhood. We would talk about things she or my dad had said to me and how that affected me even now some 30 years later.  My poor parents. They didn't like that so much.  Nor would any parent I suppose, but as I explained to my mother, I am not trying to make you feel bad. I just want to know WHY I am the way I am and I can only do that by examining the past.

 
Don't get me wrong here. My parents were and are still to this day wonderful and a hugely positive influence in my life. They are both genuine, giving and couldn't love their kids any more if they wanted to! They did make mistakes, however, not intentional mistakes; nor were they even aware that what they were saying or doing would have ill effects. I truly believe they did the best they could and honestly thought that they were helping, as did the grandfather I talked about in part 2.  

My mother, who was naturally thin, was the doting Italian mother who used to prepare special meals for me as I tried every diet under the sun. She would encourage me to exercise. She would remind me to step away from the table after I had eaten and was reaching for seconds and thirds. She would help me pick out clothes that made me look thinner too. All meant to help me. My mom didn't like seeing me miss out on things or being sad because I was different.

 My mom used to tell me, "Dina, you need to learn to eat to live, not live to eat." Yeah... ok, Mom. Although this phrase would eventually become a mantra for me,  it made NO sense to my adolescent mind.  I mean, it went totally against my upbringing. 

In my family food was the center of everything!  Someone is coming over? What are we going to serve them? Someone is getting married or having a baby? What are they going to serve us?  Every get together, every occasion was centered around FOOD! 

We are Italians, after all. Our people are known for their love of food. And it didn't help that everyone in my family is a phenomenal cook or baker.  Our entire family took food quite seriously.  I remember when my husband came to his first Christmas at my Auntie Pat's and Uncle Bob's house or was it Thanksgiving at Auntie Deb's? No matter, it's all the same. It looked like most everyone's home.  Beautiful table set, people everywhere mingling and chatting about what's new. 

And then the meal began and you were very busy for a while.  We started with salad and pasta, ravioli usually, but maybe lasagna with melt-in-your-mouth meatballs, fall-off-the-bone ribs, crusty, get-every-last-drop-of-the-gravy bread. And by the way, it's called gravy not sauce! 

Now, I know you are thinking that sounds like a meal all to itself. And it was!  But we were JUST beginning. Next came the turkey and maybe a ham too. And of course everyone brought a side dish, so the table was packed with every good thing under the sun.  And we haven't even gotten to desert which was loaded with so many goodies, we had to clear the dinner table to make room for the 'sweet table!' It was a freakin' several course- open the button on your pants or if you were smart you went with the elastic waistband- kind of meal.

I'll stop before I drive you all to your nearest Olive Garden or all-you-can-eat Italian buffet, but you can see what I mean.  And now you can understand, the food was the reason most people showed up in the first place! I had a love/hate relationship with holidays growing up.  For me, there was always a tremendous amount of stress involved with family gatherings. Oh sure, the food was delicious, but what usually ensued next was something I would undoubtedly have to endure.

Something would be said about how much I was eating and because the food was so good, I WAS eating and loving every minute of it. That was until my weight, how much I might have lost or gained since the last time we all saw each other or what a shame it was I was heavy because I had such a pretty face, became the topic of conversation.  Many times I would end up in the bathroom in tears.  But, I knew it caused others in my family pain too and that almost hurt more. I still can see the look of pain on my grandpa's face  as he looked at me sometimes.   It ached him that I wasn't thinner and thus prettier.  He wanted that so much for me. This is not the grandfather I wrote about in part two, who told me nobody likes a fat girl.  This grampa would never voice that to me directly and always accepted me the way I was, but I could see the disappointment in his ever expressive face. Again, no one was purposely hurting me. I know that now. But, time and time again we'd end up talking about my weight and I was relieved if someone else was the topic of conversation.

Food was not only a way of celebrating every holiday and victory, it was also they way we comforted ourselves or each other.  My dad and I had quite a few years where our relationship was quite strained.  In hindsight, I think my father just didn't know how to deal with me.  I was headstrong and independent and not the compliant child my older brother was.  So, my dad and I butted heads A LOT! 

But, one of the things I remember is that whenever my dad and I had a big fight, he would reach into his 'stash' of Little Debbie or Dolly Madison snack cakes he had in a special hiding place and he would place one out on the counter for me to find after he had gone to bed. It was his way of telling me he was sorry.  He left me a treat as a peace offering; as a love offering. 

My dad struggles with many of the same eating issues I do, so I know he meant well. But, it isn't hard to sit back now and see the mixed messages I got about food my whole life. Food was joy. Food was love. 
I was also expected to have willpower in the face of daily challenges that would bring anyone to their knees. My brother, the golden child, never had a weight issue. He was good looking, had lots of girlfriends and never understood what I was going through.  He would eat in front of me without apology. He has since apologized for such treatment, but at the time it was down right hard to deal with.

So, with the hidden stash calling my name, a kitchen pantry full of temptations, and my mother's excellent cooking to contend with I was expected to stick to a diet while everyone else ate what they wanted. Hence, at times, I felt very much alone and misunderstood.

So, there I was trying to examine my past without hurting my parents or blaming them for the way I turned out. I just wanted things to change.  As I read more and more books on self improvement, I began to see how I was letting my past dictate my future. I wondered why I was allowing the things that happened to me so long ago to have such control over me still. 

I got a visual of the problem one day.  It was as though I went about my life carrying around every past hurt and pain on my back in heavy packs. With each interaction, whether with a stranger or a family member, I would lay my packs down between us and expect them to see through all the baggage and yet still see me.  No one had any idea of my ‘story’ or had any idea of all I'd been through, but I'd still allow all of that baggage to come between us unwittingly.  So, truly all of the relationships I tried to foster at that time in my life had a huge hurdle to get past before anything real and lasting could occur.

One of my favorite teachers, Wayne Dyer, describes it as 'letting the wake drive the boat' which is impossible. The wake can not drive a boat.  The wake is the trail of what's left behind... of where the boat had been...  not where it is going.  So, what or who does drive the boat? The driver and the engine, of course.  You are the driver and the engine is this moment... the energy of today... our right now. That is what is driving the boat.  I needed to get out of the wake and back in the boat! I needed to take back my power to control my own life in the here and now and stop letting the wake/my past drive my boat.  This was another visual I could wrap my brain around and I got it! This was huge for me. I saw how I did this time and time again and it started to become obvious to me when I was letting this happen, so I was able to get back on track before it got too far off course. Finally, I was getting somewhere.

From that moment on, I worked at letting my past go. I mean, that's what everyone says, right? Let go and let God. I had to let it go.  I knew it was better for my health all around. I even did forgiveness exercises where I ceremoniously forgave all the people who I felt had wronged me in my life in one way or another. It is called Ho’Opono and it  is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. It was wonderful and freeing! I was letting it all go. Breaking free from the past and all that baggage.

Combined with meditation, I really felt like I was getting somewhere. I felt so spiritual, so connected to God.  Until, someone would piss me off or things did not go the way I wanted.  Then, all hell would break loose and I would be back to square one.  What the heck??? I was learning so much! I felt like I was coming so far! And then, in a few moments I was reduced to a hurting, weeping, out of control child who nobody likes because I'm the fat girl!!

What?????  Not her again!!!! Come on!  It was like there was this little girl taking up residence inside me and whenever I got my feelings hurt, she would come out and have a hissy fit and then retreat to wherever she hid till the next time.  But, I am not letting the wake drive the boat anymore, so why is this happening?? I am dealing with my past and letting it go, so why do I have so little control over my feelings??  For me, the answer would come a little deeper and in a very different package, something called The Pain Body.  Cue the scary music!

cont.