M is for My Mother!

    People say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Well, I wanted to tell you about the tree from which I fell: My mom. 

    My mom is turning 70 tomorrow and with that comes a chance to reflect back on some of the ways my mother has influenced me in becoming who I am. 

    Most people who meet me will tell you I have a big heart and am a very compassionate person. Well, that didn’t happen by accident.  My mother taught me the importance of being kind and helpful to others first hand when she brought a lady named Martha into our lives.

    My mother saw Martha one day walking home with her heavy bags in her aging hands and my mom pulled over and offered her a ride. So grateful for the kindness, Martha  invited my mother into her modest basement apartment for some tea and a friendship developed. 

    My mom helped Martha out in a number of ways bringing her food, giving her money, just being with her before she passed away years later, but she also helped me more than she might have known when she asked me to go spend time with Martha. I remember Martha always had something sweet for me to have with my tea as she told me stories and was just so happy to have someone to talk to that she never stopped talking from the moment I arrived till the time I had to go.  And every time I left, I remember going home feeling so happy that I had made her so happy. It brought me joy. Real joy.  

    Now I seek that kind of joy out in situations. I try to make someone’s day or say that special something someone needs to hear not because, I want them to say those things to me, but because it truly brings me joy to do so.  It makes me feel good.

    I found that being of service also made me feel good.  So, I looked for jobs where I could help people. From Little City Foundation working adults with developmental challenges to becoming a teacher and working with students who had math challenges, I have always found joy in giving of myself to others and I learned that from my mom.

     My mom to this day goes out of her way time and time again by putting the happiness of others before her own convenience. I can not tell you how many times my mom gave of herself never asking for anything in return. She has always been there for me.  My mom was my matron of honor at my wedding because she was my best friend for many years; sitting and crying with me when someone hurt my heart or standing and cheering when I performed on stage, she has always loved me from the bottom of her heart. She was my confidant and always knew what I needed sometimes before I did. She did that for me more times than I can even count. Making special meals for me or helping me pick out clothes as an overweight teenager because she knew deep down inside I wanted to look like all the other girls. Always thinking of me when she was out shopping and bringing me something special, which she probably got for a steal because in addition to all these wonder things my mom does, she sniffs out a bargain like nobody's business! I tell my father all the time how lucky he is to have married my mother, because she is a woman who is happy with very little.  She is not one to need new this or new that.  She knows where true happiness lies.

   She loved her family and put us all first always. She went back to work when I was in middle school and hasn’t stopped since. She has always made sure her kids were always well taken care of and would sooner not eat anything than to see her kids walk away from the table hungry, like any good Italian mother would.  It made her happy to see us happy. As a mom now myself, I know that feeling well and it’s a great feeling!

    So when I think of the best in me, I think of my mom. It’s her I have to thank for awakening and cultivating in me the desire to help, serve and make others happy. And I can see it alive and continuing in my own daughters! We are creating ripples of love that go out in all directions! What better legacy could a mother leave?!   Happy Birthday 70th Mom! I love you!!

I Learned It All From My Mom!

During a recent visit, I was found myself as I often do, watching my mother interact with my two daughters (8 and 12) and noticing how loving she is with them. I am often taken back to the days when I was her child and she said the same words to me: "Hold my hand while we cross the street!" "Be careful!" "Come on, you can do it!"  Some things never change. Until they do. 

There are times, although rare, that my mother is completely different with my children as a grandparent than she was with me as a mother and I am left wondering just who in hell is this woman and what has she done with my mom?

I remember in Bill Cosby’s Himself where he talks about his dad and how he always has money for his grandchildren; but when Bill was a kid: “ I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.”

I am experiencing something similar with my own mother. Not with money, but with medicine. Now, let me preface this by saying I love my mother like nobody’s business and she took fabulously wonderful care of all of us growing up. I learned many of my loving, nursing ways from my mom. And many of them are reminiscent of Ms. Nightingale herself.  When my family needs convalescing,  my husband sometimes looks at me in awe with a "how did you know how to do that?" look. I have good instincts.  And, the truth is I had a great teacher too.  All in all,  I thought I did a pretty good job taking care of my family.

So, when my mother called recently to check up on my little one who had been ill, I wasn’t prepared for the third degree I got.

“Have you taken her to the doctor yet?” 

“No, mom. She has the stomach flu. We’ve all had it and now it’s her turn. I’m making sure to keep her hydrated and that’s the most important thing.”

Then her tone took a turn, “Okayyyyy...If you’re suuuure.... I don’t know WHY you just don’t take her in.”   

I felt like I was channeling Seth Meyers on SNL...Really??? Really? Really, Mom? This is the same woman who told me that every pain I was having my whole life was GAS! "Mom, my tummy hurts" GAS!  "Mommy, my head hurts..." GAS! I must have been raised on beans around the campfire in that scene from Blazing Saddles!   Really, Mom??

My most vivid non-doctor memory? When I was about 8 or 9, I thought it would be cool to ride my brother 10-speed bike with my mom’s high heeled shoes on. Ok, so this is also my most vivid 'idiot move' of my life! Come on, it sounded like a great idea at the time! And it all would have been fine had I remembered to put the kickstand up when I got on. I ended up falling off the bike and having the kickstand puncture the back of my thigh!  A puncture wound ... surely that is worthy of a trip to the ER? Maybe the doctor? Nope! My mom knew what to do! She patched that hole up with a couple of butterfly Band-Aids!  Band-Aids always fixed everything! And believe me, I was covered with them at times! I was not the most graceful kid and my bike and I had a love hate relationship. You could see the struggle in the band aids that covered my legs all summer long.  I still have the scars to prove it!  

 To be fair to my mom, I was in good shape once we got it cleaned up and bandaged. Sure the scar would have been less with stitches, but fine nonetheless.  She made a decision based on the information she had and made the best call she could.  She loved me more than anything and I know my best interest was always foremost on her mind.  But, she still chose not to take me to the doctor for whatever reason she had.  She followed her instincts.  Those instincts led us to the doctor very few times growing up.  My mom handled things at home until she felt needed help from someone else. Like when the gas pains didn't go away and turned out to be a  grapefruit sized cyst on my ovary needing major surgery.  I know she was secretly disappointed that Band Aides would not do the trick! 

So, now when I make the same decisions, why am I getting the “Okaayyyyy.... If you're suuuuuure” like I don’t know what I am doing? It makes me second guess my own instincts that have been so keen and served me well... for a moment maybe. And then I remember stories like this one and move along with a smile.  Or I say these words to my mom, "It's only GAS!" and that usually brings on laughter, but makes the point. Heh... I also learned how to 'guilt trip' from my mom.  She should know not to mess with the messer!

How quickly we forget.  I guess that’s just life, isn’t it?  Our roles change and with that our perspectives change.  The best part is that my mom and I are close enough that I can tell her what she is doing and how it makes me feel.  What is even better is that she is open enough that she can see it and we can laugh about it. I hope she is laughing as she reads this too.

As my own kids look at my mother with their “Nane-is-perfect” wide eyes and wonder, I can’t help but think again of Bill Cosby's stand up routine as he tried to inform his children about his own mother and how much she has changed over the years. "This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven!"   

I wonder if they have Band-Aids in Heaven?

No worries, my mom will have some in her purse!